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A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.