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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.
You had me at 0 mutual friends