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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm