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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.