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Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.