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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.