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The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.