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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
“The darndest things.” -kids
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.