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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.