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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.