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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"