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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?