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All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.