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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.