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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Iām amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?