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My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...