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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.