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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords