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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.