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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.