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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.