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I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"