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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.