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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.