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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Hi Iām a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Do you really have to breath that much?
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.