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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."