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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.