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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like