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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
What about a To-Don`t List?
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.