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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?