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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...