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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)