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Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops