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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.