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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....