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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?