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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.