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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Don`t waste my timeline.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.