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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work