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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.