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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.