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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?