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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
The naked truth is better, than d dressed-up lie :) Aa
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I make a great second impression.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.