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Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.