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You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.