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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.