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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.