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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?