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I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you