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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.