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Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.