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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
AWESOME!
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one