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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.