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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"