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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."