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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.