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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.