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I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I dream about naps.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.