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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!