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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99