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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them