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"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."