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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping