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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug