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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.