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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...