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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart