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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?