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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.