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Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.