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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.