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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"