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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.