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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.