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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?