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When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.