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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?