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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!