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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!