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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.